The Plan of God

"Enter by the narrow gate; for wide is the gate and broad is the way that leads to destruction, and there are many who go in by it. Because narrow is the gate and confined is the way which leads to life, and there are few who find it." (Mat 7:13-14)

It’s easy for me to start thinking of God’s will as being narrow and hard to find. But this text is not meaning for me to be unsure, but to be sure! Jesus is highlighting my salvation in Him alone, how He alone is the door to heaven, how He alone is the way in. This text is not talking about God’s will for our everyday lives but that we are spiritually in heaven everyday through Jesus. There are many good things we can do every day, and all of them would have the blessing of God. Yes yes, there are many options which are all with the blessing of God behind them. God created us to be us! Our hearts fully in the heart of Jesus, and our minds fully in Him. We can do many many good things! I could eat breakfast or I could have a shower. Either one is a good thing! God’s blessing is on me in both circumstances! God created us to enjoy our lives. He loves us, every part of us, and He loves us all the time! He loves us when we are showering and when we are eating! The Bible is not meant to be a code book for religious intellectuals to solve and find a boring list of doctrines, but a book of love and teaching, a book of forgiveness and hope, a book of family history, of where we came from and where we are going! A book which invites us into a living friendship with Him.  Jesus is the narrow road, the confined road, the best place ever.

It's strange how life goes.  I think I'm searching for some kind of eternal cure in the present, when the eternal cure will come with a new body.  I yearn for my new body.  I've been given a new standing, a new chance, a new life, but we're all waiting for new bodies.  "Because the creation itself also will be delivered from the bondage of corruption into the glorious liberty of the children of God" (Rom 8:21).  Bodies which don't crave for what hurts.  Bodies which love goodness.  I love goodness in my spirit, yet do what is hurtful in my flesh.

I'm in pain.  I miss Fleur.  We spent so much time together... and I loved every moment of it.  I miss her.  I miss our adventures, I miss her fun, her creativity, her love for everyone and everything, her positivity, her eyes, the way she looked at me, the way she looked at life, the food we'd eat, it was always nicer.  And now this, like a bucket of ice dropped from a million miles of -unexpected but kind of back of my mind knew it would happen cause it has too- space.  And I'm trusting God with as much faith as I possibly can, as much as I can muster the trust, trusting Him it's for the best, it has to be. It is.  And yet I still hurt.  It's like a nurse saying goodbye to their partner in the war, they have a job to do, a mission to accomplish.  If they forego their responsibility to the world, or to God, or simply to their convictions, they know in their heart they will live forever more in depression and frustration, guilt and regret.  Running from conviction is like ripping out your will to live.  There is no place in contentment for those who do what is thought of as the norm over doing what they know they must do in the depths of their soul.  There can be a huge difference between two people doing the same thing.

It seems to me there is a laziness which can take over my whole life.  Birthed of emotional tiredness, it drives me to perform meaningless tasks monotonously as though I were a factory worker getting paid to sit and watch the others work.  I philosophise, scutinize, pace back and forth in the house watching as my housemates come and go.  What is this all for? What I am meant to be doing? God gives purpose, well what is mine?  I don't want to pretend anymore.  I keep falling into the trap of pretending.  It's cause I hate not appearing as though I have all the answers.  There's something deceitfully appealing about tricking people into thinking I'm super spiritual.  Why do I want that kind of respect? Because i want to tell people about Jesus, about His saving love for everyone.  It's such a paradox.  On the one hand I want to be seen as super spiritual so people can ask me how they can be like me.  This is evil and deceitful.  People should never want to be like anyone, we all need to repent and turn to God, not ourselves. 

On the other hand is goodness, to just be myself and chill out.  Relax and let God do everything.  Just love Him and let Him do everything.  But then that can take away my motivation to serve.  But I want to serve.  I want to love everyone.  So I'll just relax, and let God love me, and trust all the good things will spring in their own time.  

Back to purpose, I want to know it and I want to run from it at the same time.  Like a deliberate choice to attend a church service in the full knowledge I will be uncomfortable but knowing it will be for the best.  Like doing strenuous excercise, it hurts, I want to quit all the time, but it's for the best.

Strange how freeing it is to see where I'm at.  Jotting the thoughts as they come and sifting over them.  Have I grown since last year?  Am I stronger? Is Jesus stronger in me? Have I let Him be stronger in me? I can't go on alone.  I need His body, I need to be part of it, I need to be with Him, with others who live in Him, to be encouraged and uplifted, to encourage and uplift, to pray in the Spirit, to live in the Spirit, to love in the Spirit.  I need both sides of life.  I'm dead on my own.  I stumble and grovel and get really needy.  The power of God heals all brokeness, but His power, unless there is a greater purpose, seems to leave without other Christians being around, so I can build them up, so that they can build me up.  When that's happening, spending time alone with God is a fountain of life.  If all I ever do is spend time by myself.  Then spending time alone with God is good, but not so magnificent.

Thoughts and thoughts and thoughts I feel like I could write for 50 pages.  Bottled up ever since the top got put back on.  Fleur was my bounce back.  Xanga to the rescue for the moment.  There are others, and other opportunities, but sometimes, it's nice, feels needed, to just sit and release. ya.